07.10.06

KIDS.. that four letter word

Posted in Current Affairs, Humour at 7:29 am by The Intellectual Terrorist

I’m socially at that stage where everyone around me is having sex. And they’re making this knowledge very public with a,” I have some good news”.
What’s good news about having kids?  After all aren’t kids the same nasty creatures that have robbed me of my friends and turned them into that extremely weird species called parents?

KIDS. That 4 letter word!!
We were that once remember? What’s so much fun about giving other little things the chance of being that? Are we really such altruists? Is this what sex was meant for? Wasn’t it all excitement and lust?

Aren’t kids God’s way of punishing two people for having unprotected sex? (Isn’t that what the Bible says? Or maybe that was my parents. Yeah definitely. It wasn’t good news for them.)

Let’s examine the kids issue.

1. Do people need kids?

Maybe they did need kids a long time ago when there were no multiplexes, DVD’s, Playstations, shopping malls, big screen TV’s, the internet and a zillion other things that are good time-killers.
With all these diversions why do people need kids and how do people even get the time for sex?

Life was boring then(a long time ago.. say 1985) and maybe it was fun to have Bubblee fetching the water and Pappu working in the field. It made perfect sense. In-house outsourcing. Free labour!!
Kids were a necessity then, they’re a luxury now. People have money and time and the decision to have kids is pure indulgence, a luxury.

2. Should people have kids?

What’s your goal in life? Give this a thought. You were born, went to school, tried to study(maybe succeeded). Your parents (if middle class) struggled to get you through school, college and paid for all the paraphernalia associated with this journey.
At the end of this period did you gravitate towards greatness or towards mediocricity?

What’s your achievement till date? What do you plan to do in the future?
Standard answers. Absolutely nothing. So might as well go ahead and spawn progeny to carry this trend ahead? Why? If you do not have any aims, ambitions in life why spawn a new person and work towards making his/hers dreams come true or ‘I will ensure that my children get all the opportunities’. You have opportunities, you did not make use of them, why will they? After all there’s something called heredity.

It’s like parents who did not get through to engineering, medicine or the IAS and con their kids into studying hard towards these goals to look good socially.

Bottom line: You have a life, live it !! And then think on passing this on to other folks.

3. Are kids fun?

Kids need to be fed, clothed, educated and monitored. The first few years; they are totally helpless and need to be assisted for pretty much everything. Kids need diaper changes and finally need to get toilet trained. They convert your neat house into a baby play station.
They are carriers of diseases. They catch them from school and transmit them to the whole family. They end up with measles, chicken pox, diarrhoea, cold, cough and many other diseases within a short span of their kid-lifetime.
They play cricket and break your neighbors window. (Have the neighbors ever come home and said … ‘wow you’ve got such fantastic kids’. No. They only come over to claim damages.)
Once they become teenagers they think they have all the answers … and you have to live with being certified a dim wit.
And then they get married and produce more kids of their own … pushing this cycle ahead. And you look after grandkids. You’re never spared.
(To be fair to kids, this is often a raw deal for them. Kids are abused by indulgent parents and forced to perform tricks in front of other people. Tricks could be as inhuman and moronic as reciting ABCD or BaaBaa Black Sheep.

4. God is a guy.

Why else would he have given women the burden of carrying? Carrying another foreign body in your own body is generally called a tumor. Carrying one for 9 months is called a baby. Imagine your body having foreign organisms growing inside you, feeding off your nutrients and gaining. You get bloated, undergo labour pain, the whole process could also be life threatening. You have to monitor your diet for the 9 months. Losing all that weight gained, is another ordeal.

Can you imagine a guy doing all this? No way. If guys could get pregnant, the population of the world would be less than 1% of what it is right now. There’s no way some guy would have the patience to go through all this even once. And multiple times? Forget it.

Women, you’re being taken for a ride. Do not have kids unless you really want them. Your husband and in-laws pressuring you is no reason to take this plunge. Remember even God is not on your side.

5. The environment

Having 6 billion people on this tiny planet consuming all it’s resources, that’s extremely environment friendly? Shouldn’t we be leaving something for the next generation, instead of just THE NEXT GENERATION?

6. What is the answer?

Proliferation of the human species, via kids need to be checked and regulated.
People need to have a good reason for having kids. Some of them could be :

Passing on of proven good genes.

A lifetime of achievement that needs to be rewarded.

Based on national needs: Looking at the employment situation and gauging what the trends would be. Based on known statistics, keeping a buffer of safety, kids should be sanctioned.

How to check the population:

Increase the cost of having a kid. Like Singapore has laws that make owning an automobile prohibitive. Increase entry costs for kids. Make education expensive.

Give tax benefits for people without kids.

Honor and fete people without kids.

Replace kids with trees. This is not only environment friendly and planet friendly. By doing this .. you’re doing your part to plug that hole in the ozone layer, saving a penguin in Alaska  an elephant in Namibia and human beings all over planet earth.

Replace kids with environment friendly and cheaper and more loyal options like dogs. Imagine you come home to be greeted by this amazing happy animal that jumps at you and is all over you. Plus saves you education costs, and thinks you’re God !!

There should be a carpet ban on kids for say 4-5 years so that the planet can heal. We can allow regulated birth, during this time, based at figures that would keep everything in balance.

All people who still want kids and do not fall under any useful category, needs to contribute to a local fund for conservation. They can either plant say 10000 trees, or buffer in environmental damage caused by their kid during his stay on planet Earth and pay a lump sum that will be used to plant the require number of trees to counter this damage.

Children maybe the gifts of God. But God doesn’t give gifts to people wearing Durex. Say No to kids. And yes to life. Your life. Amen.

 

The author does not own any kids, neither does he work for any global contraceptive conglomerate.

The Intellectual Terrorist

-blows your mind

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